What I Think

I have been thinking a bunch about the truth. The truth in relationships, i.e. when a someone leaves a commitment. Leaving a marriage, deciding that the promise you made is now no longer valid.

Honestly, without trust and the promise of commitment in a marriage what is there? When a marriage is broken, someone has left and the other is left with a hole in their heart. It is so unjust and just plain rotten.

I think that the women who takes another women's husband is bigger than a thief, liar or cheater they have killed a chance for a struggling marriage to be re-born. They are worse than the one who left!

In fact in the circular way of this world what goes around comes around. In the end you will both get what you have given.

Leavers are:
Quitters
Not to be Trusted in anything
They Steal your best years
Dishonest making it your fault
Liars
Manipulators

The list could go on.

As a family you buy in, you give your all, your love, your trust your heart. You treat that person as a valued treasure. Then they take it all and drive over it with a bus. A hit and run.

Just my opinion and guess what guy, I am untitled to it! When the scale is weighed you come up short, way short.

Have a good life, I know she will without you:)

Anything but Strong

Anything but strong, this is my reality today! I am discouraged, disheartened and depleted.

Today just caught me total off guard, started okay....a few work issues that I did not want to deal with on my day off, but okay they needed to be done. Add to that car repair bills totalling $2500 and let's just say well the cheese has slid off the cracker.

If I am strong when I am weak...then that's the good news. My discouragement is weakness for sure but I don't feel much strength right now.

The worst piece for me is how I stop hearing anything but the negative when the world crowds in. Car trouble, money issues, being misunderstood, family with job issues, we all have our own list of stuff that discourages.

Home alone tonight taking time to think and process, to ask forgiveness and rest. I will rest in the Lord and the power of His might. And tomorrow will be a new day. The things that happened today will teach me how to be stronger when the winds of discouragement blow. Because I will not give up and I will not give in to the temptation to stop changing and growing, I will surrender to the love of my Lord and seek Him.

The Mystery of Strength

As I have been thinking, fasting, praying this last week, these thoughts have begun to root in my heart.

Strength is so often not what I perceive. In fact it is often the opposite.

Strength is Waiting on the Lord
Strength is Putting off the old and Putting on the new
Strength is submitting to the Lord's discipline
Strength is being Transformed
Strength is forgetting what is behind and pressing into what is ahead
Strength is Trusting God, and releasing the things in my life I most love
Strength is The evidence of things hoped for

Yesterday I lingered in worship, what a blessing to worship and draw near to God, to sense the touch of the Holy Spirit, to hear the calling of Jesus. I felt the Lord speak to me to encourage my heart.

Telling me that He was healing my heart, physically and emotionally, that He was changing my heart and giving me the heart of a Lion! ( I am not making this up!) That I will be strong, bold and fearless, and like a lion who watches over his pride I would watch over the ones in my care!

Wow, I humbly receive. In my heart I thought Really? But I will not doubt I will trust Him!

This search for strength is taking me to places that I did not anticipate and I am blown away. Such a journey, it just makes me smile. I am trusting in different ways becoming strong in Him and the power of His might. This truth is such a small seed in my heart, it taking root and my prayer is Lord root me deeply in you:)

"My starting point is that we are already there. We cannot attain the presence of God because we are totally in the presence of God. What is absent is our awareness"     
 Richard Rhor,  Everything Belongs

"Once you find the trail you are faced with this sobering truth- in order to go on it you must let go of what brought you here. You cannot go on without turning you back on the very things that brought you to this place."  
Mike Yacconelli

The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength

One week of clean eating down, a few headaches but for the most part not bad. Drinking my green juice and beginning to feel the energy level rise. However eating clean is only one of the moves to strength that I am feeling this year.

I am reading the Bible through this year, it will be my third time reading it from cover to cover. It blesses me and amazes me that God speaks so clearly today through His word. I love hearing His voice and through the stories He has so beautifully laid out for us. In Psalms it says " Your word is a Lamp for my feet and a Light for my Path" That is what I am seeking.

In my desire for seeking God at this stage of my life, I find that I am leaning in so that I don't miss anything. I am in a space of considerable transition in my life right now. In fact I feel like the whole of me is in transition. Body, Soul, Mind and Spirit. I am longing for a knowing in my heart and mind an understanding, of deeply knowing who I am and who I am created to be. I feel the stir in my heart for all things to come together, I am resting it, waiting on it, dreaming about it, thinking about it all the time and feeling it, almost like a groaning in my spirit.

This week Heidi sent me an link for Bethel Music 'You Make Me Brave' I listened once and then twice, my heart was overwhelmed by His presence.  I have bought it on iTunes and have it playing on my apple Tv right now. It makes my heart sing. Worshiping is so amazing, I love to Worship my Lord and King. It stirs up a passion in my heart for total abandon to Him.

I am sensing a call to deep commitment to circle some things that are on my heart for my family and community in prayer and fasting. It is a huge challenge for me to fast and it makes me double check if and why I am feeling that call. I will begin a 5 day Daniel Fast this Monday-Friday. Praying that God will hear my heart cry and answer, "Call unto me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things that you do not know." Jeremiah 3

Journey to Strength

Day 2 of 2015, and as it would happen I have been sick for the past week!

It would have been easy to say no to some of the disciplines I planned to include in my 2015 Journey to Strength....but I did not say no! I got up got on my woolies and went for a walk in the wind and weather. I can't say I loved it but I am determined to move forward.

I have put a few rocks in place for success, a plan to read through the bible in 2015. This will be my third time reading the bible from cover to cover and I am excited to see what God will speak to my heart during those readings this year.

Walking for 30-50 min a day is something that I have been doing for a while, I must say I have been a bit slack during the last 6 weeks but the shoes have been on two days this week so I am on the way back to this discipline.

I have spoken with a personal trainer and I am hopeful to have a plan in place in the next few weeks to... in a word 'kick my butt' into gear.

I have a clean eating plan in place and am ready to go with enjoying the good food that really feeds you body and soul.

Most of all I am praying and asking that the Lord will lead me and guide me into quantifiable growth,  body, soul, mind and spirit. I believe with all my heart He will and am hoping for a strong and sustainable year of growth.

One last thing...I was going to journal more so I guess this is a start at that too:)

IN MY HEART

In the time between now and the last entry so much has happened. I am in a good place, but sensing a transition in the year ahead. I want to share my thoughts today and mark them as a guidepost for the year ahead.

I am not big on hype or new years resolutions. That after some thoughtful conversations with my girls over the last few weeks I have been contemplating  the year ahead and asking God to give me a word, one word to focus my growth.

I will be 60 in 2015, and I feel that my word will be STRENGTH I want to be stronger, physically emotionally, spiritually, finically, mentally....you get the direction. When my birthday comes next Dec 6, 2015 I want to have quantified growth in my life. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the difference, but not only physically I want to see solid quantifiable spiritual maturity and core strength in my life. I want my husband, children and grandchildren to see it. So what does that look like.

Strength by definition:

synonyms for strength

noun stamina, mental or physical

strength

/strɛŋθ/ 

noun 

1.

the state or quality of being physically or mentally strong

2.

the ability to withstand or exert great force, stress, or pressure

3.

something that is regarded as being beneficial or a source of power:their chief strength is technology

noun

1.

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.

2.

mental power, force, or vigor.

3.

moral power, firmness, or courage.

So fo me it means; developing, stretching myself, having measurable milestones on the way. The plan is in process. I will have quantifiable growth steps in each of my 5 key areas. I will not settle for weakness. I want to find ways to use the number 15 to set my focus. 

15 mins every day reading the word
15 mins every day to pray
15 mins to listen
15 min to blog/ journal
15 mins to encourage 
15 mins to build relationship
15 lbs to lose this year
$15.000 in debt reduction
15 mins to strengthen mentally
15 mins to build core strength
15 mins to build muscle
15 minutes to walk 
15 more minutes to walk
15 mins earlier each morning
15 min to meal plan/save money


Just a few thoughts, not a final plan just yet but a few ideas that will need to develop and strength:)





Strength”: synonyms and related words:

• ascendant 
• be (as) solid as a rock idiom
• beef 
• brunt 
• cast-iron 
• clout 
• depth
• force 
• indestructible 
• intensity
• invincible 
• invulnerable 
• mother 
• pack
• richness 
• robust 
• the mother of all sth idiom 
• tough 
• vehement
• vigour

Heart Aching Euchairisteo

I am having a hard time breathing today. My heart is so broken. When a daughter calls full of apprehension, her heart resigned to the the hard possibilities. When this same sweet girl has gone through 3 years of struggle, diagnosed with MS, dreams dashed, struggling to hold on.... It seems so unfair.

Lord I am back and forth between resignation to your will and then standing in front of you challenging you to listen to act on her behalf!

 " Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matt 7:7-8


I ask Lord not for myself but for her, for this child to have breath and life for a full life, for a womb to be healed and for you to hold this little one in with your own hands, to allow this little one to grow and be born at the right time. Mercy on this little life Lord, Mercy on this sweet mom. Mercy of please Mercy.

I am asking, seeking knocking......waiting to hear, see and for your door to be open.

Pure White

Today is a beautiful day full of sun and warmth, not at all an average January day in anyway.

I have been thinking this morning about things I am deeply thankful for "eucharisteo"

As I cleaned my house this morning...

1. for fun, thinking about grand kids going on a snowshoe adventure, 3000 miles away, I can almost hear the laughter:)

2. For fresh love, a bride dressed in white.

3. Sunshine on a winter day.

My List

I am so deeply captured by the "one thousand gifts" book written by Ann Voskamp. I want to know her, feel like I already do! Like she has seen into my soul, knows my thoughts. I want to sit with her, not speaking just knowing that someone else understands this deep longing to live fully. I read and then re-read her lists hear her heart pour out on the page. The thoughts tug at my mind and heart and I grasp the threads and they fly away. I will be re-reading this book as soon as it is finished!

I wonder about God's grace so often, in the last four years losing my mom, my strong broad shouldered Shotsie having open heart surgery nearly gone from us, I hang on to having him in my life everyday. A beautiful older daughter diagnosed with breast cancer, going through 2 years of surgery, chemo and radiation. A beautiful younger daughter diagnosed with MS. Grace; which part is grace? A beautiful daughter in law losing her only brother in a tragic accident. The good the hard. These are the questions in my mind.

This last several years I have lived everyday waiting for the other shoe to drop, to lose someone, something. I have lived so far away from the moment so far away from living fully. I am on a path to find the "right now" to live fully in this moment, to risk loving long and hard for as long as I can, each and every one of those ones who hold my heart.

I want to know and understand Grace, I am sure I do not fully know it yet. I am searching looking into the face of God wanting needing to know, waiting for him to show me clear and true to hear him whisper his words to me.

3. daughters laughing together

4. smelling a warm fuzzy new baby boy

3. sharing my heart with my sister

My Thank you List

I have been on a quest in the past year to live in the moment. To be present in my life, not worrying about the future or mourning the past.

This Christmas my Shotsie gave me a gift of the book "one thousand gifts" low and behold the author of this book is on a similar journey, she is far ahead of me on the path but I recognized the trail and have put my walking boots on again in search of the elusive, being present and full of life and joy in each moment that God  gifts me.

In "one thousand gifts" the author muses about the lack of joy in our lives being linked with an ungrateful heart. That when we give thanks to the Lord in all things we open ourselves to live in the moment and to experience the blessing and joy of the moment.

It grieves me to say that in my soul search I know that I have a very ungrateful heart. Before I say thank you to anything in the moment I have already gone to the future and or to the past and stressed away the gift of the moment. What to do? Turn to God and ask him to forgive, yes...but more than that; practice thankfulness slow down and stay in the moment, turning to God's face each time being aware of his gifts and changing my hearts pattern to one of thank giving; true and genuine thanks giving.

1. for the book "one thousand gifts"
2. for the winter sun shining through blinds warming my afternoon.

A new year, and a fresh interest in blogging. Not so much for everyone else to look into my life. Rather a place to capture my thoughts, hopes and dreams.

After spending a few weeks with kids, and grand kids, eating way to much, laughing and playing games the holiday is over, the kids have packed up to fly home and our house is quiet.

Our life expands and contracts with the coming and going of our family. In the expanding time I realize how grateful I am for great kids and spouses and fantastic grand kids. I was blessed to watch our kids parent their children, they are engaged and present in the wet cement of these little lives.
On the contracting side I am drawn again to my own life, my shotsie and our interests. Life is good.

This year I have no resolutions per say, but rather an inventory of my own mind and heart. I realize when listening to myself that I want to change. To be present in my words, to think before I speak and to be kind, and positive. I have asked my shotsie to help me, we have a code word and when I am out of bounds he will just say our private word to help to remind me to think first before I speak.

Keeping my Heart at Rest:

"Do not worry about anything, BUT PRAY AND ASK GOD FOR EVERYTHING YOU NEED.ALWAYS GIVING THANKS. AND GOD'S PEACE, WHICH IS SO GREAT WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND IT , WILL KEEP YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.
Philippians 4:6-7

I am a classic worrier, I can worry about everything. Worry is stealthy, formidable and a sneaky enemy. My worry starts out as an acceptable human response, as soon as I give it room to grow in my mind it grows to occupy ever available space; kind of like the Ivy I planted from a small shoot that overtook my garden.

When I worry it makes me focus on my problems instead of God. Worry grows when I falsely believe that I can control the circumstance in my world, instead of recognizing that the God who loves me is in control of everything.

It is not easy for me but more and more I am learning that the way to eliminate worry is to pray. Praying constantly aligns my concerns with God's perspective. For me praying is more than asking God for help, it is surrender, worship and giving thanks. My focus changes, I start to see God's hand, feel His presence. Prayer is a personal reminder of God's love and faithfulness in my life. It brings comfort, hope, strength, encouragement and peace. It changes my mind about what is happening in my world.

There is not enough room for peace and worry to coexist in my mind. There is nothing passive about guarding my mind. It is a Greek military term, it paints a picture of a stronghold being protected by a vigilant garrison of watchmen, when I pray about my worries, God defeats the worry and replaces it with His peace, His peace is the watchmen over my mind and heart. Kind of like a guard standing at the door keeping my mind and heart free and clear of the clutter and cloudiness of worry.

So if you wonder what you can say, what can you do for our family during this challenging season, consider praying for us, and asking God to guard our minds and hearts in Christ Jesus.

What a Day

I know we always say that "what a day" but today tops any that I had at work in the last few months.

To List

Simplex Grinnell annual alarm system inspection

Simplex Grinnell annual fire extiguishers inspection

The local fire marshalls annual inspection

Jim the electrician telling me that the magnetic fire doors that are broken are faulty wiring done by the the boiler installation crew

Simplex Grinnell telling me to call the electrician who then told me to call direct energy about the warranty on the boiler install

Still no fixed doors.

Everyone waiting for someone else to fix the doors

Still waiting

NO ONE FIXING THE DOORS TODAY

Orkin pest control lots of activity on the outside bait stations...anyone who knows me "creeped out"

More you need to call, and then call them, this is not our problem.

1.5 hours on hold waiting for a fix to the problem

two evaluations only 15 more to go this week

Only two hires to do this week one full time and one part time

finally a surpirse full week of work to complete an application for Homelessness Perdiem application which if we are lucky we will not need as we will recieve the RFP funding that took us Weeks to write.

Oh on a positive note we caught the mouse who found his way in our house, lets hope he has no ffamily with him.

On days like this when I have a moment to think about it, I just long for home and an end to the work day.

Hoping for a quieter and less hectic tomorrow.

Where Does My Help Come From?

On Thursday June 9th, Heidi had her first Chemo treatment. We have been talking about it for weeks, building up to it with research on what to expect, waiting for the first of the 8 treatments to be done, so that she would move from anxious anticipation to actually knowing how her body would respond to the drugs.

Heidi choose to go through the first few rounds with just herself and Sam, she just wanted to make sure she could handle it and know what to expect without anyone else around to observe.

She has always been fiercely independent, and strongly courageous. Even still chemo is not for wusses. Today marks day 3 since treatment and the begining of the slow climb back up to feeling better.

We talked yesterday about No pain No gain and how the last few days have given that statment a whole new meaning!

I am reminded and drawn back to the Psalms 121

"I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will no let your foot slip-

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you-

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

he LORD will keep you from all harm-

he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Thank you LORD

Great Kids make Great Mom's

Mothers day weekend, I was out this morning and when I came home Heidi, had arranged to have a friend drop off a special moms day gift, I found it tucked in between the screen and the glass on the patio door. I saw Heidi's writing and immediately looked around hoping that by chance she would be around the corner accompanying the gift. No Heidi but she had taken the time to pick a beautiful bracelet and send it by special delivery. I love it and enjoyed wearing it all the rest of the day.

Gifts aside, it made me think that being a great mom requires great kids, really! I know I can get all mushy and see through rose coloured glasses but the truth is that, no matter how many rough years and impossible situations come along, when you see the potential, gifts, and you just know how much you love and believe in your kids they just shine. There are hard times, really hard times, but the hard times become easier and they have an end. When you keep on believing in the children given by God, and have the faith and perseverance to keep believing in them no matter what, when you pray more than talk and then pray some more. You see God make them into incredible people.

I am blessed with children Heidi, Andrew and Heather, I love and respecteach as adults, blessed by great friendships with each of my children. Blessed to love and respect each of the life partners they have chosen Sam, Rochelle and Kyle. The icing on the cake is Ana, Zack and Eli, having grandkids is such a delight, a joy that is not easily explained: each one is a part of our inheritance in the Lord a gift greater than any other.

So when you remember mom dont forget the great kids who make truely great mothers.

When all is said and done, I really want to be one:)

Just came back from a long relaxing walk through the woods, sometimes being alone can be noisy, my thoughts coming in so loud and clear that I can't enjoy the moment, not today, today I could think clearly. The sun is shining, I am far away from work, the trillium flowers are blowing I get to just be in the present. I thought I might get lost going through the woods, but I followed the path laid out and found my way back home to Heidi's.

My walk reminded me of last summers family trip to Newfie, long walks, lots of laughs and plenty of discovery. This picture shows the point near our cottage, when the tide is high, but if you wait awhile and time it just right you can walk out on the rocks and right around the point to the next beach our special spot with breath taking views and just the right amount of quiet.

The path we are on right now reminds me that there are great things around the bend, sights unseen, warm sunny spots and quiet walks, I just need to wait for the Lord, for His timing, and for Him to clear the path ahead.

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, my prayer for our whole family.

Okay Then

It has been so good to be here and to see Heidi, Sam. Ana and Zach. I know they will handle what ever comes their way.

That they have the heart and ear of the Most High God!
That they walk by faith and not by sight.
That they have a solid foundation.
That they are vulnerable not to the C word.
That Sam loves and cares for Heidi with incredible passion.
That Ana and Zach are seeing the Lord through their Mom and Dad every day.
That they are so blessed by a community of friends who are supporting them with prayer and meals.
That Heidi is amazingly living in the moment allowing God to strengthen her every day.
That we are blessed to all be completely held in our Lord's hands as a whole family.

God is good all the time!

Spring in Abbotsford?

Today was a quiet and restful Sunday, minus church ( which Zach was pleased about) and out for breakfast at ABC. I really missed Herm today, not being along with us, so we talked about you instead ( I know you are reading this:) Seems so weird being here without my other half. Ana and Zach each picked out another web kin, Zach a wombat named Tiny Tooth, and Ana a sheep dog named, Misty.

Went to Home Sense after breakfast, Heidi found some neat bedroom lamps and there are a few other items we will pick up for her space later in the week.

I read most of the afternoon, and finally dragged myself out for a walk late in the afternoon. It was cold, whoever said that spring is way earlier in BC than Ontario probably thought that no one would check up on it! I keep hoping for some sun and warmth but the weekly forecast is none to promising.

Rainy Days

This morning although the sky is grey, for the moment the rain has stopped. When they say it rains a lot in this part of the world they are not kidding!

Today we are off to train for the 5KM walk run that we registered in for next Sunday. I think Heidi and I may be staying back and doing a pared down training closer to home. We will definitely be out walking this week rain or shine so we are ready for the big day next week.